Thank God for Bill O’Reilly. Without him I wouldn’t know there is a War on Easter. Sure, I knew about the War on Christmas, and did my part to wish everyone Merry Christmas rather than Happy Holidays, but now the haters have opened a new front: the War on Easter.
From what I’m gleaning from Bill, the most important part of Easter is the egg. According to a transcript of the Factor, Bill says, “Respect Easter. Easter's a good thing. You don't have to believe in Jesus. The kids like it. It's not a spring egg. It's an Easter egg." Damn straight! You don’t have to believe in Jesus to love Easter; you just have to believe in the Easter Bunny and love chocolate eggs. So, Bill, count me in. I’m not sure about the tomb being empty, but I know my tummy is, and filling it with delicious chocolate in the Name of God is OK by me.
But now I need help in another war, the War on Passover. Not one person in my town has wished me a Hag Sameach Pesach. True, there aren’t many in my town who can even pronounce the Hebrew for “Have a joyous Passover,” but I’d settle for the English, and no one has offered me that either. And there isn’t even one school or community center that is having an Afikomen hunt where the kids get to run around looking for chips of dry, tasteless matzah thrown haphazardly in the dirt. Nor could I convince a single bar in town to set aside free drinks for Elijah (or any homeless person claiming to be Elijah). If this isn’t a War on Passover, I don’t know what is.
So, Bill, please help me out. Respect Passover. Passover’s a good thing. You don't have to believe in a God who murdered every first–born Egyptian male to make a point that He can knock the crap out of Pharaoh. The kids like it. It's not a spring matzah. It's a Pesach matzah.
Hag Sameach Pesach, everyone!